i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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