I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
