Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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