my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
