I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
