How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize