i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
