I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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