you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
