Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
