do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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