I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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