So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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