so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I AM VODKA MAN
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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