i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
