you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
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By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
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How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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