i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
