So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
