Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
