T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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