i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
