I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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