I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I did not marry a roomba.
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