Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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