i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
