If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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