I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
