so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
