I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
