The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
