in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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