I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
