You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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