he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
