Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
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she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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