I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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