I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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