the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
