My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
