My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
