First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
