if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
