i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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