I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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