you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
