ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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