I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
