So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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