I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
