the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
