I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
