I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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