we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
