I cannot find my penis.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
